If you really knew me, you'd know......

Ok, I've never been much on blogging, I'm not sure if it's because I have a very boring existence these days, or I'm just afraid to lay my REAL thoughts and feelings out there for others to judge.

On Oprah one day, they were talking about overweight teens and told those teens to complete this sentence......."If you really knew me, you'd know____





I thought about that sentence, wondering how I might complete it myself. It seems my answers appeared quite morbid when I'm not really a morbid kind of person. If you really knew me, you'd know I'm so very discontented in my life and I think about death daily. Now, one might say, if you're discontent in your life, change it. Ok, that's all well and good, but sometimes circumstances stop the ability to make that change.


Now, I'm not a whiner, don't like to air my problems and situation out there for the world, but a few choice people know exactly what I mean. So much has been changed and taken from me in the past few yrs, its next to impossible at this time to gain much of it back.


I'd love nothing more but to get back to work, how that would help me in so many ways. I have tried to get my Dr. to release me, she won't. I've even gone behind her back, as stupid as that really is, attempted to get a job, but sighs, I never pass the physical. So here I sit, not even in my 50's, intelligent, hold a license to practice as a Registered Nurse, yes I keep up my CEU'S and my license are current,yet I'm constantly broke, have no vehicle, no ability to walk or stand as I once had and maybe worse of all no caring spouse that actually gives a damn.


What's stopping me from passing a physical or working you might ask, well the latest MRI says,


lets talk the back first......neurogenic claudication, moderate stenosis, herniations at L4-L5 and L5-S1 with moderate foreminal narrowing and of course lets add degenerative disc disease to that, now for the right ankle/leg we have neuropathy that causes my right leg to go numb, almost feels like its "asleep" and it gives out causing me to fall frequently. All of this started with a bad twisting fall at work, while on the job, to which I completed my entire shift, THEN stopped in ER and was put on temp workers comp.


One of my biggest bitches with that, the hospital in which I was employed is self insured for comp, meaning I see their Dr of choice. I was sent by her to many, they total 8 different specialist in 3 different states, all coming back with the SAME diagnosis and treatment plan to which she says, "I disagree, I'm sending you to another one". This went on for a total of 3 yrs, with that incompetant bitch Dr refusing treatment because she "didnt agree" with the diagnosis I was given. Now mind you, one of the Drs that tested and saw me is Dr. Daniel Wecht out of Pittsburgh, he is first rate in the practice of neurology, yet this piddly small town Dr i HAVE to see, disagrees with him. Oh, I should add, she never would add or admit that I acquired a back issue, she only addressed the right ankle. Anyway, fast forward, she eventually decides, without ever issuing treatment, with the exception of telling me to use a cane to help deter the falls, she decides, woohooo I'm healed!

Its been a horribly long battle, my own physician wouldnt treat the back issue, she claims its a worker comp issue, and the workers comp dr claims it not, stalemate for them, big issue for me.

Ugh, see this is why I dont like blogging LOL, I get into a story, reread it, dang that need to reread, and I think to myself, who cares, wheres this going and worst of all, how do I continue my story without feeling it's too long, complicated and who really wants to read it anyway. Soooooo that being said, and the fact my lil man just showed up. I will close this for now, maybe finish the saga of my sad life at another time.......